How to Support your Partner through “Guilty Dad Syndrome”

Do your partner’s parenting skills leave much to be desired? Does he avoid conflict and just let things go? Or maybe he spoils the kids with gifts, attention and time? 

You may have thought the selfless-parent and fun-dad gig was cute and attractive at the beginning of your relationship. You may have seen it as evidence that he was a “good man”. 

​Now you’re noticing that his sacrificing it all for the kids or tolerance of bad behaviors isn’t good for anyone involved - least of all the kids who need to be empowered with boundaries and structure, but instead are learning to play the victim and get everything their way.

​If this goes unchecked, it can have repercussions down the road into adulthood. 

After divorce, guilty dads tend to overcompensate with gifts, leniency on bad behaviors, failure to create structure, little or no boundaries, and over-giving to meet the kids’ every desire and need. Understandably, they don’t want to spend the condensed time they now have with their kids creating tension and discipline. But if biomom is also failing to create structure and being more lenient with bad behaviors, then the kids are not being actively parented. Alternatively, the dad may over-parent and self-sacrifice to make up for biomom’s lack of parenting. 

Divorced dads often parent this way to avoid more problems, and ease the feeling of guilt for what they ‘caused’ for the child - the pain of divorce.

And biomom may even be playing this dynamic to her advantage, using the father’s guilt to manipulate and control him. She may further put the children in the victim role to play on the dad’s emotions and get things her way. 

As a stepmom, you’re likely worried about what will become of the children if they are raised this way - as spoiled entitled brats. Fears may be kicking in and your intuition is telling you something’s not right.  

You may be questioning your parental instincts, especially if you don’t have biological kids of your own - are you being self-righteous or exaggerating? Are your feelings valid? 

Let me tell you that if it’s coming from a place of love for your partner and deep concern for your step-kids well-being, your intuition is likely spot-on. 

You know your partner means well, they want to make up for the pain the kids may have suffered through the divorce and not inflict more pain. But this well-intentioned approach is likely just easing your partner’s own guilt - and that is NOT good for the kids in the long-run. 

The guilty parenting dynamic is not what’s best for the children. When children are treated as victims, they develop a victim mentality. Encouraging a victim mentality impedes raising mentally strong kids who are resilient and able to face life’s challenges as adults. 

Sometimes (more often than not as a parent), doing the right thing means doing the hard thing. You know, the thing that may be labelled as uncool, strict or mean. 

But I’m preaching to the choir.


Stepmoms know and see this, but are helpless to change it alone. 

If you say something and suggest he change, you are ostracized and labelled as the evil stepmom. If you step back and let it be, you are an accomplice to the lack of healthy parenting, and not leading life the way you want to. I’ve heard so many stepmoms refer to this Catch-22 situation as “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”.  We step in and our well-intentioned help backfires. We become the villain who imposes rules, curfews and limits. Our partner thinks we are against the children, and him.

You may not want to add more problems, nagging, and negativity to your partner’s plate -  but you recognize that you too need to stand up for your own beliefs and set your own boundaries, in order to live life in an empowered and self-actualized way.

So how can you support your partner to see the situation for what it is and start doing better for the kids’ sake (and let’s face it - yours too)?

I’m not gonna lie, it’s NOT easy and will take time and test your patience on many occasions. 

​Here are some keys that I learned along my journey through guilty parenting: 

1. Accept your partner for who he is and how he parents.
   This is hard - especially if his parenting is different than yours is or would be, and especially if you’re not a parent yourself. Parenting is a journey, it’s never perfect. My only regret as a stepmom is judging the biomom and blaming her parenting for certain behaviours that I now know were not her fault. If you’re going to make it through this alive, it requires that your partner grow into a mentally strong person who is able to deal with his own feelings of guilt, and do the hard things - like disciplining and letting go. And he won’t get there if you force him to, he has to come to that realization on his own and fail forward. And that requires you to accept and love him as he is, through it all. He may never get to where you think he should be, and you need to let that expectation go. You can’t control his parenting style. You can learn to detach with love, let go of the outcome and accept what is and isn’t in your control.  
2. It’s not your fault - don’t take on the guilt.
   You are not the savior, you are not the villain - in fact, this has nothing to do with you. You didn’t cause the pain your stepkids may have gone through, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. Know your place, and don’t take on that guilt. That doesn’t mean that you can’t help or influence from a place of love, but don’t take it on as your personal mission in life to “fix” this broken family. Don’t let anyone, including your partner, in-laws, parents, or the ex, make you feel like this is somehow your fault - it’s NOT. Learn about the Karpman Drama triangle and understand how the villain, rescuer and victim roles that may be playing out in your stepfamily - knowledge is power. 
3. All is not lost.
   Don’t paint a doom and gloom future for your stepkids if they are continually parented this way. Your partner may see this as you attacking the kids and it will most likely just backfire. Yes, guilty parenting can lead to a victim mentality in children, and this doesn’t set them up with the good life skills needed to thrive. But don’t just take it from me (and he doesn’t need to just take it from you). Check out this article from Forbes about the things mentally strong parents don’t do - the top two things are not to condone a victim mentality and not to parent out of guilt. You may even share it with your partner - but remember you aren’t the savior so don’t push if they aren’t interested or ready to hear it, share and let go of your desired outcome. 
4. Focus on a common vision and aim to raise children who are mentally strong.
   Instead of constantly focusing on what is tearing you apart, focus on the common points of parenting that you agree on. Maybe you both believe in physical fitness and engage your children in outdoor play as a family. Maybe you both focus on grades and optimizing school performance. Use those common parenting points as a way to bond, and let your partner know how much you appreciate being on the same page. Let your partner know how good this is for the kids. Positive reinforcement goes a long way. Ask your partner - what else can you get on the same page about? Don’t criticize or point out flaws, rather focus on working towards a common vision. 
5. ​Do your own internal work. Dealing with this situation where you are powerless over what happens in your own home is very hard, and may be part of the reason that 70% of remarriages involving kids fail. Explore what it is inside of YOU (yes, you) is being triggered by this lack of control. Exploring your own inner workings and taking responsibility for your role in the dynamic is key to showing up with a loving, attractive energy (rather than a critical and repulsive energy). When you show up differently to the situation - that can be a game changer. It doesn’t mean that it’s your fault, and it doesn’t mean that when you change your partner will too and everything will magically transform. But by focusing on what you can control (your own thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and actions), you are doing your part in creating the life you want. If you need help with this, check out my personal development course for stepmoms or reach out for some coaching. 
6. Last but not least, don’t play into the ex’s using the ‘guilty parent card’ to her advantage. She may be using the kids as an instrument for manipulation. You’re not doing them harm - she is. Your presence isn’t damaging (unless you are doing something harmful or damaging, but your presence itself is NOT harmful or damaging). Don’t allow her to deflect that ball into your court. It’s hers, not yours. If a high conflict ex is using your partner’s guilty parent ‘soft spot’ to her advantage, your awareness and not letting her know it gets to you (even if it does) will help dissipate that tension. This behavior is harmful to the kids and puts their emotional well-being at stake to get her way (see my post about toxic biomoms). Sometimes the only way to stop it is to let it play out. The kids may get the short end of the stick at first, but will benefit in the long-run when they get their dad back. Put the kids' interests first, not your partner's need to absolve his own guilt.  

To sum it all up, the best way to support your partner through guilty parenting is to inform yourself about what healthy parenting is and isn’t, accept your partner for who he is (an imperfect human trying his best), and focus on your own personal development work so that you can create healthy boundaries and a vision for the life you want.

When you are self-aware and informed, you can have intelligent conversations about parenting and life goals.

This is a process, and won’t happen overnight.

Be gentle with yourself. After all, you’re just an imperfect human trying her best. And your best is good enough!

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