Rebelling teenagers choose relaxed dad over "strict" mom's rules - how do I get the kids to speak to me again?

Dear Anna,

My oldest bio kids have gone to live with their dad because of our household rules and expectations. There are no rules at dad’s house.
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My kids blame me for being different now that I have my significant other, and that him and I aren’t fair. I realize that when I was newly divorced I was a little more lenient because of guilty parent syndrome. I didn’t realize I was doing that. After I got with my significant other, I gained more confidence and started to enforce rules and expectations.

Now my kids don’t really speak to me, and on top of it my ex (their dad) is fueling the fire telling them that I’ve chose my significant other over them and that I’m a horrible mom because I think of myself and not them. On top of that, my family (my mom and brother) are now close to my kids (they weren’t when the kids lived with me), and are also jumping on the blame train. They tell me that I’m choosing my significant other instead of my kids.

I’ve explained to them that he also parented them because he cared for them. He was never hateful or unfair it was all because we wanted the best for them. My daughter was doing great in school and sports when she was with us, now she’s not she’s not doing so well in school and sports.

I’ve tried explaining to my family that they are incorrect, we weren’t unfair, and I am not choosing my significant other over my kids. They are really acting like spoiled teenagers that weren’t allowed to drink alcohol and do what the wanted to here so they are rebelling. Plus they are getting their way over there.
So my question is how do I get back to my kids speaking to me, I try and reach out to them at least once a week, they usually ignore my text.

Humble Mama 

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Dear Humble Mama,

Firstly, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

Being cut-off from your kids is one of the hardest realities to deal with. Give yourself some space and allow yourself to grieve that pain.

Disclaimer: If you have ever been abusive to the kids (emotionally, verbally, physically, or otherwise), or are suffering from mental health issues, then you need to get help and work on yourself before you can do your part to mend the situation. Either way, here are some key things to consider.

1. Get off the defensive. When you defend yourself, your significant other, and your parenting style to your family, it adds more fuel to the fire. When you try to explain to them and make them understand, especially from an upset/defensive energy, you’re giving their opinion power in the situation. Don’t engage in these conversations with them. It’s not your responsibility to control how other people feel or think. Agree to disagree and let it go with love. If it’s your mom/brother, you can say “I’m sorry you feel that way, [optional: I’m working through some things] and I prefer not to talk about it right now” then change the subject or politely cut the conversation short. Don't engage in these conversations. 
2. Accept how the kids feel. It sounds like your teenage kids may feel undermined/ disempowered and unimportant. Have you ever really sat down with them, one-to-one, to let them speak and tell you how they truly feel without getting defensive and interrupting? Have you ever just listened, without defending your position? It sounds like they may need to be heard. If that is their feeling and perspective, you can learn to accept and honor it. When you deny their truth, defend your position, or try to change their feelings, you disempower them. I know this is probably not your intention, but your actions may be perceived this way. That doesn’t mean you give-in to their every teenage desire and let them do everything they want, but you CAN learn to listen with love, still stand your ground and say no with love. If you haven’t truly been able to do that in the past, there is some inner work for you to do before you try again. Accept that this is how they feel. Give them some space to feel it without trying to change it.    
3. Check yourself. Is it possible there is some truth to what is being said? It may well be that your actions have come off as cold, strict and uncaring – even though that was not your intention. Sometimes we parent out of fear and can appear cold and careless, even though it’s really the opposite - being strict is your act of love, but the kids do not perceive it that way. When you are too strict, it can be perceived as rigid and unloving – especially with teenagers who want to make their own decisions. It can be disempowering for them. This doesn’t mean you should allow them to do everything they want. This doesn’t mean they are allowed to scream and disrespect you. This doesn't mean that you have to agree with what they say. But it does mean you can listen and let them find their voice.  
4. Let go of blame. All the above doesn’t mean it’s your fault. It doesn’t mean it’s the kids’ fault, or your ex’s fault, or your significant other's fault, or your mom’s fault. This isn’t about placing the blame – blame will not solve anything in this situation. It’s about accepting things for where they are at now, taking responsibility for your part, forgiving yourself and others, and doing what is in your power to change your side of it. You can’t change other people’s thoughts, opinions, beliefs or feelings. You CAN change your own. Again, there is some inner work to be done here.  
5. Practice vulnerability. Surrender to the universe/God’s will in this situation, and let go of control. Trust that what will come is in the highest good for everyone involved, although it may not feel that way. This can be scary and hard, especially if you’ve ever experienced any kind of trauma or an unstable upbringing. Creating safety in this moment and allowing yourself to be vulnerable can be a daunting task, especially if you’re doing it alone. Take it little by little, and make sure you get the emotional support you need. Note that it’s not sustainable to get all your emotional support from your partner, and connecting with a network of women who understand and empathize with you can be a game changer if you allow yourself to receive that support. Being vulnerable, open and loving can be hard for some of us. It’s about progress, not perfection. Know that you are not alone. It is possible to live in safety and joy even if things don’t feel that way right now. Get the help you need to get through this situation. Take care of yourself, be gentle and forgiving and trust that you are on the right track.     
   
   When the kids feel that you are truly listening, that you love them and wants what's best, they will come back to you. It may not happen overnight, it may be hard because of the negative talk they are getting from their family, but trust that if you work on yourself and come back to the situation with a new perspective, things will shift. You are their mom, nobody can take that from you. They love you, and there is nothing in this world that can change that love. Keep reaching out weekly, let them know they are loved and missed. They may be angry and upset right now, give them some space to process that in a healthy way, and be there as your most empowered, loving, self to support them when they're ready to reach out. And when you feel like you're REALLY ready to have those tough conversations and listen, let them know.