Stepmom_Blog

5/6/2021 Comments

What do do when resources are stretched?

Dear Anna,

I'm a stepmom who is about to have a baby. When inner resources (patience, energy, tolerance) are stretched, I find dealing with stepkids (with opposite influence from different house) especially hard! How can I deal with this better?

- Stretched resources

Dear stretched resources,

Congratulations on the baby!

The last few months of pregnancy can be hard, so any additional stressors will be harder to deal with. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself the extra space to feel and process.

I’m reading between the lines and hearing a potential limiting belief that “resources are scarce” (you can only stretch so far before you snap).

Is this true for you? This can refer to internal resources (there is only so much patience to go around), or physical resources (there’s only so much money and things to go around). You may be fearing that giving more to your stepkids means less for you and your kids.

if that’s the case, here are 3 steps to try that can help you feel at ease:

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6/22/2020 Comments

Emotionally Draining Stepkids: Some Do’s and Don’ts

This may sound harsh, but I'm just going to say it. Regardless of whether you love your stepkids or not, dealing with bad behaviors can be emotionally draining.

It can be irritating because they aren’t yours, you didn’t create the problems, yet you need to deal with it or else your life will be impacted in big (and often negative) ways.

You may feel like the house revolves around the child when they are present, and like you can’t relax or be yourself. This is especially true if you are sensitive to energies and feel unspoken “vibes” that you can’t explain.

You may feel like a monster or evil stepmom, and not admit you have these feelings to anyone.

I’m here to tell you it’s okay, you’re NOT an evil monster, what you’re feeling is normal.

If you’re in this situation it can feel like - to some degree - your stepchild drains your energy or ‘sucks the life/joy’ out of you.

The good news is that you CAN learn to successfully navigate life in your stepfamily, even if your personality doesn’t naturally go hand-in-hand with your stepchild's.

Here are some do’s and don’ts (many of which I had to learn the hard way), of dealing with 'needy' stepkids.

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6/18/2020 Comments

Guest Post: Is your partner struggling with guilty parent syndrome?

Here’s help in 3 easy steps.
By Tracy Poizner, essentialstepmom.com

What I want your spouse to know is that guilty parenting is not a crime. If you feel guilty, it’s a sign that you’re a good person, it means you have empathy! Guilt is actually a healthy emotion, it’s supposed to help you modify your behaviour. It pushes you to do better.

Shame is another story altogether. Shame shuts you down, it makes you want to give up. That’s because guilt is about something you’ve done and shame is about who you are. No one should ever be shamed for their parenting fails because that never leads to a better outcome.

We all feel like we’ve let our kids down in some way, we feel guilty for the divorce that messed up their lives, we feel guilty that we can’t spend more time with them, that their standard of living has been affected, that you had kids with the wrong person, whatever.

What we don’t want to do is let guilty feelings hold us back from being the kind of parent our kids both need and really want. Guilty feelings should lead us to double down on our commitment to our kids; to make it up to them, (whatever we think “it” is) by being 100% of the dad they need even if we only get to be with them 50% of the time.

We don’t want to fall into the trap of trying to make it up to them with stuff; believe me, they don’t actually want stuff! What’s more, they also don’t want to be the boss. Being the boss of the adults is not a secure place for a kid. They want to be taken care of - to feel taken care of. They need to see you in all your integrity, and guilt is just the thing to push you to do that, to do it for them.

Nobody else can do what you can do for your child/ren. We all spend our lives trying to win the approval of our parents and nobody else; your kids are hardwired to want to please you! You simply need to learn the trick to hacking into that desire and using it. You owe it to them to do that. If you’re a guilty dad, you’re a motivated dad.

I have three easy steps for you that are designed to help get you out of your own way and to renew confidence in your ability to parent the way you really want to, even through the disappointment and challenges of separation or divorce.

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5/21/2020 Comments

How to Support your Partner through “Guilty Dad Syndrome”

Do your partner’s parenting skills leave much to be desired? Does he avoid conflict and just let things go? Or maybe he spoils the kids with gifts, attention and time?

You may have thought the selfless-parent and fun-dad gig was cute and attractive at the beginning of your relationship. You may have seen it as evidence that he was a “good man”.

Now you’re noticing that his sacrificing it all for the kids or tolerance of bad behaviors isn’t good for anyone involved - least of all the kids who need to be empowered with boundaries and structure, but instead are learning to play the victim and get everything their way.

If this goes unchecked, it can have repercussions down the road into adulthood.

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3/3/2020 Comments

How to Protect Your Family from a Toxic Biomom

Do your stepkids act out or give you the cold treatment when they come back from biomoms (or maybe all the time)?

Maybe they act lovingly when they are alone with you, but in front of biomom, or over the phone when she is listening, they are completely different.

Do they care-take or over-protect their mother?

If so, these may be clues that biomom is ‘toxic’.

By my definition, a toxic biomom is emotionally unstable, and often puts her own emotional needs before her children’s needs. She often reacts with anger or sadness, and in the heat of the moment may put her children in the line of fire.

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6/25/2019 Comments

Sick and tired of all the drama?

Master the Karpman drama triangle and learn to step-out, now!

I was first introduced to the Karpman drama triangle as a pre-teen girl attending counselling with my family. Little did I know the impact it would have on my life, and the value that fully understanding it would provide to my own family one day.

As a mom of 4, soon to be 5 (which includes my 2 full-time stepkids), my proudest moments are those where I can recognize negative family patterns and nip them at the bud. It’s in those moments that I really feel like things are flowing and happening for a higher purpose, and I’m healing my blended family and the generations that will come.

What is this magical triangle that seems to explain so many aspects of unhealthy interpersonal relationships?

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11/23/2018 Comments

What's your Stepmom Mantra?

Take the quiz and read more about all four stepmom mantras.

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11/17/2018 Comments

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Feeling unappreciated and taken for granted as a stepmom.

As stepmoms, we do a lot for everyone else on a regular basis. You may be packing lunches, taking your stepkids to their after-school activities, or taking a back-seat to the kids' daily necessities as dad takes care of them.

Many times, we don’t get much in return for our efforts – not even a simple thank you.

Over time, that can really leave you feeling taken for granted and unappreciated.

Do you know the feeling? Like the old Janet Jackson song goes, you may be asking your partner or stepkids, “what have you done for me lately?” (Irrelevant aside and confession: I’m a huge fan of 80’s music).

But what you should really be asking is “what have you done for yourself lately”?

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10/5/2018 Comments

The Stepmom Community: A Welcoming Home for a Perpetual Outsider

I’m honored to feature this article from fellow stepmom and friend, Beth McDonough of BabblingBlonde.com.

I met Beth at a networking event I organized for stepmoms in Toronto this past summer. Beth’s openness and vulnerability in sharing her experience as a same-sex step-couple were truly inspirational. Despite Beth’s unique experience being part of a “nontraditional family within a nontraditional family”, her triumphs as a stepmom are so commendable.

She’s taught me that as stepmoms, we have more in common than what makes us different. I hope you enjoy this honest perspective and can’t wait to hear your feedback. Also, be sure to read to the end and check out the link for my guest post on BabblingBlonde.com

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7/13/2018 Comments

Stepmom Over-stepping? Mastering the Stepmom Two-step

In a recent call with a stepmom, the issue of stepmom overstepping, meddling and taking-over came up. It’s such a fine balance between stepping-up, and over-stepping… it’s almost like a dance. You don’t want to step on the other person’s toes, but sometimes being in-sync with one another (especially biomom), isn’t easy.

Full disclosure: I love dancing, and I love using analogies to teach, so when this analogy of the two-step came to me, I got so excited I had to drop everything and write about it ASAP.

Thanks to that lovely stepmama for the inspiration ;)

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Here’s help in 3 easy steps.By Tracy Poizner, essentialstepmom.com

Master the Karpman drama triangle and learn to step-out, now!

Feeling unappreciated and taken for granted as a stepmom.

Here’s help in 3 easy steps.
By Tracy Poizner, essentialstepmom.com