​Do your stepkids act out or give you the cold treatment when they come back from biomoms (or maybe all the time)?

​Maybe they act lovingly when they are alone with you, but in front of biomom, or over the phone when she is listening, they are completely different.
 
Do they care-take or over-protect their mother?

If so, these may be clues that biomom is ‘toxic’.

​By my definition, a toxic biomom is emotionally unstable, and often puts her own emotional needs before her children’s needs. She often reacts with anger or sadness, and in the heat of the moment may put her children in the line of fire. 

I was first introduced to the Karpman drama triangle as a pre-teen girl attending counselling with my family. Little did I know the impact it would have on my life, and the value that fully understanding it would provide to my own family one day.

As a mom of 4, soon to be 5 (which includes my 2 full-time stepkids), my proudest moments are those where I can recognize negative family patterns and nip them at the bud. It’s in those moments that I really feel like things are flowing and happening for a higher purpose, and I’m healing my blended family and the generations that will come.  

​What is this magical triangle that seems to explain so many aspects of unhealthy interpersonal relationships? 

As stepmoms, we do a lot for everyone else on a regular basis. You may be packing lunches, taking your stepkids to their after-school activities, or taking a back-seat to the kids' daily necessities as dad takes care of them.

Many times, we don’t get much in return for our efforts – not even a simple thank you.

Over time, that can really leave you feeling taken for granted and unappreciated.

In a recent call with a stepmom, the issue of stepmom overstepping, meddling and taking-over came up. It’s such a fine balance between stepping-up, and over-stepping… it’s almost like a dance. You don’t want to step on the other person’s toes, but sometimes being in-sync with one another (especially biomom), isn’t easy.

Full disclosure: I love dancing, and I love using analogies to teach, so when this analogy of the two-step came to me, I got so excited I had to drop everything and write about it ASAP.

Thanks to that lovely stepmama for the inspiration ;)

In a recent survey of my stepmom community, I learned (not surprisingly) that the biggest struggle stepmoms identified was the biomom, and various aspects of her presence.

If you are having problems with biomom – whether it be jealousy, bitterness, resentment, communication issues, non-acceptance, lack of discipline, or anything in between – this blog is for you!

My last blog post a few weeks ago was about detaching with love. Since that post, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback and questions.

- When is detaching appropriate?
- What if you can’t detach?
- What if you have other kids who are affected by the behavior and you can’t just let it go?

As a follow-up, here’s my part 2 on detachment and disengaging (which in retrospect, maybe should precede Part 1, but oh well, here it goes!).

You have a problem with your stepchild.

Maybe they don’t accept you. Maybe they are mean, cold, or disrespectful to you. Maybe their behavior is destructive to themselves and you want to help.

When they’re around, they dictate the mood of the house. You have to walk on egg shells around them, you have to put up with their negativity and bad attitude.
                                                      
You can’t be yourself.

You feel lost and uncomfortable in your own home. You want the best for this child, but they don’t see that. You want the best for your family.