As stepmoms, we do a lot for everyone else on a regular basis. You may be packing lunches, taking your stepkids to their after-school activities, or taking a back-seat to the kids' daily necessities as dad takes care of them.

Many times, we don’t get much in return for our efforts – not even a simple thank you.

Over time, that can really leave you feeling taken for granted and unappreciated.

In a recent call with a stepmom, the issue of stepmom overstepping, meddling and taking-over came up. It’s such a fine balance between stepping-up, and over-stepping… it’s almost like a dance. You don’t want to step on the other person’s toes, but sometimes being in-sync with one another (especially biomom), isn’t easy.

Full disclosure: I love dancing, and I love using analogies to teach, so when this analogy of the two-step came to me, I got so excited I had to drop everything and write about it ASAP.

Thanks to that lovely stepmama for the inspiration ;)

In a recent survey of my stepmom community, I learned (not surprisingly) that the biggest struggle stepmoms identified was the biomom, and various aspects of her presence.

If you are having problems with biomom – whether it be jealousy, bitterness, resentment, communication issues, non-acceptance, lack of discipline, or anything in between – this blog is for you!

My last blog post a few weeks ago was about detaching with love. Since that post, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback and questions.

- When is detaching appropriate?
- What if you can’t detach?
- What if you have other kids who are affected by the behavior and you can’t just let it go?

As a follow-up, here’s my part 2 on detachment and disengaging (which in retrospect, maybe should precede Part 1, but oh well, here it goes!).

You have a problem with your stepchild.

Maybe they don’t accept you. Maybe they are mean, cold, or disrespectful to you. Maybe their behavior is destructive to themselves and you want to help.

When they’re around, they dictate the mood of the house. You have to walk on egg shells around them, you have to put up with their negativity and bad attitude.
                                                      
You can’t be yourself.

You feel lost and uncomfortable in your own home. You want the best for this child, but they don’t see that. You want the best for your family.

Once upon a time, I dated a man with kids (for the record, this was not my husband).

He wasn’t the best father figure – he didn’t always show up when he was supposed to pick-up his girls, and he didn’t pay his child support on time.

But he had a good heart, was well-intentioned, and loved his girls. He was just a little lost, and needed some help to get back on track. And I could show him the way. I had the solution he needed – I could help him mend his relationship with his daughters, and we would all live happily ever after. The end.

That was not the case, and this tale did not have a “Beauty and the Beast”-style ending.  

I fell into an old destructive habit of ‘helping fix’ something that was, according to me, broken. According to him, things were fine the way they were and my ‘help’ was clearly not needed. I tried to help anyways. Years later, things ended badly. The end.

I probably should have realized sooner that this relationship with a man who didn’t really put his kids first wasn’t for me. But I stuck it out for far too long and instead of facing reality, I tried to change him, with little success, in order to get the outcome that I desired.

I have an important question for you – what comes first in your life?

Is it God, spirituality, you, your partner, your relationship, your stepkids, your biokids, your career?

We often tend to think in this pyramidal or hierarchical way, where one thing is more important than the rest, and there is an ‘order of importance’ to the relationships and things that give meaning to our life.