In a recent survey of my stepmom community, I learned (not surprisingly) that the biggest struggle stepmoms identified was the biomom, and various aspects of her presence.

If you are having problems with biomom – whether it be jealousy, bitterness, resentment, communication issues, non-acceptance, lack of discipline, or anything in between – this blog is for you!

My last blog post a few weeks ago was about detaching with love. Since that post, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback and questions.

- When is detaching appropriate?
- What if you can’t detach?
- What if you have other kids who are affected by the behavior and you can’t just let it go?

As a follow-up, here’s my part 2 on detachment and disengaging (which in retrospect, maybe should precede Part 1, but oh well, here it goes!).

You have a problem with your stepchild.

Maybe they don’t accept you. Maybe they are mean, cold, or disrespectful to you. Maybe their behavior is destructive to themselves and you want to help.

When they’re around, they dictate the mood of the house. You have to walk on egg shells around them, you have to put up with their negativity and bad attitude.
                                                      
You can’t be yourself.

You feel lost and uncomfortable in your own home. You want the best for this child, but they don’t see that. You want the best for your family.

Once upon a time, I dated a man with kids (for the record, this was not my husband).

He wasn’t the best father figure – he didn’t always show up when he was supposed to pick-up his girls, and he didn’t pay his child support on time.

But he had a good heart, was well-intentioned, and loved his girls. He was just a little lost, and needed some help to get back on track. And I could show him the way. I had the solution he needed – I could help him mend his relationship with his daughters, and we would all live happily ever after. The end.

That was not the case, and this tale did not have a “Beauty and the Beast”-style ending.  

I fell into an old destructive habit of ‘helping fix’ something that was, according to me, broken. According to him, things were fine the way they were and my ‘help’ was clearly not needed. I tried to help anyways. Years later, things ended badly. The end.

I probably should have realized sooner that this relationship with a man who didn’t really put his kids first wasn’t for me. But I stuck it out for far too long and instead of facing reality, I tried to change him, with little success, in order to get the outcome that I desired.

I have an important question for you – what comes first in your life?

Is it God, spirituality, you, your partner, your relationship, your stepkids, your biokids, your career?

We often tend to think in this pyramidal or hierarchical way, where one thing is more important than the rest, and there is an ‘order of importance’ to the relationships and things that give meaning to our life.

Are you self-sacrificing? Evil? Mindful? Confused? Take this fun quiz and find out! I think we as stepmoms experience a little bit of all of these from time to time. Read about all the stepmom personas below and let me know what you think.

​The quiz is currently offline, however you can still read about the different personas in the blog.

 Meditation is a fast, effective, and free tool that can really mark the difference in your step-family if you practice it. I know it's helped me in countless ways.

If you're experiencing stress, anger, frustration, resentment, and an over feeling of loss of control in your life,  meditation can be SUPER helpful - I promise!

If you're not convinced, here's a list of reasons why stepmoms should meditate, and how it can help you live a happier life in your blended family (and a happier life in general).

I dare you to give it a try and see the benefits in your life instantly. You've got nothing to lose, and the best thing is that the results will only get better with time.

I’m gonna talk about something a bit taboo here… we’re not ‘supposed to’ care what people think... but I’ve had moments where I’ve actually felt embarrassed to be seen with my step-kids in public because of how I would be judged by others.
 
I’m at a place where I love my kids to pieces and it’s not that I feel like this all the time… but yes I’ll admit that there are times when I feel embarrassed about them.
 
It’s shameful for us as stepmoms to even admit that we may feel this way, because we’re supposed to be this source of unconditional love and acceptance at all times. We’re almost not allowed to feel anything negative that would make life hard for these ‘poor children’ who have already been through enough.
 
Maybe you’ve felt this way too?